Life is Bittersweet

Well I have a boyfriend now. Kind if a strange feeling and I don’t know how I feel about it yet. It’s exciting but very nerve racking at the same time. Oh boy. I also have to go to the pool tomorrow with flo and Eva and I look fat as shit. I am bloated and I haven’t been eating well for this whole week and I just don’t feel good. I don’t want them to see me like this at all like I just feel so low about myself. I did have amber and tiffanie tell me that it’s annoying that so many guys think im hot so that makes me feel a little better but I just don’t want to take any body shots of me tomorrow. I don’t feel comfortable enough for that. I look too shitty for it. I need to get the fuck seriou I am slowly but surely going back to 140 and idk what I’d do if the happened. I’d die. Legit it matters that much to me. I’m going to wake up and go for a run tomorrow and shower and relax until pool time but I just hope I don’t look like shit. I hope neither of them think I’m fat. :( I hate this feeling it’s honestly the worst and I swear I’m the only one who has this problem like to this extent. I has such short legs too which makes it just that much worse. FUCK ME I HATE MY LIFE

Such a hectic night. I am so glad I came though its actually a relief. I don’t really know what to feel right now I just know that talking to Jorge again was great. I miss him a lot and I hope he was telling the truth about not getting with any girls. I hate the fact that literally everyone hates him because that just makes things so much harder. I can’t hurt him again I won’t let myself but I don’t want to do something that I’ll regret either and end up making myself miserable. I like him I really do but the thought of being in a real relationship with him just freaks me out idk why. Ugh this all so crazy and I don’t know what to do. I don’t even care about Sean right now I just want things between me and Jorge to work. We could hang out just the two of us or go to separate parties since tiff won’t talk to him but that’s still awkward. Why can’t I just set my emotions straight and decide what the hell it is I want?? It’s affecting me and everyone around me and thats what’s making this difficult. I am so at a loss right now but I do remember the feeling of immense guilt for not taking him back and I can already tell that if I told him no right now again then that’d be 1. Way fucking harsh and 2. I would regret it. So what do I do? Date him? Maybe I should give it a shot like maybe it will work out really well. Like I could give it a month and see how it goes and if it gets any better and if not then I can break up with him I guess…not that that’s a great situation either but at least I can say I tried and really truly have him a chance. I shouldn’t feel bad for the way I feel but I do. Such a fucked up situation omg being a 16 year old girl is so insane. It could be worse for sure I’m not saying my life sucks or anything it’s just so hectic and stressful right now and I’m just no used to it. I never thought that I would have this kind of problem. It’s had to believe that someone feels the way Jorge feels about me. I don’t think I’m likeable. But I’m not complaining. Wow idk what to do like I actually just don know. I DO know to just follow my heart and my instincts but my heart is all over the place and I don’t understand my instincts. I am so awful at making decisions it’s kind of unreal. I need to get better at it because this is a problem that won’t just solve itself. This is the ultimate rant on tumblr and it needed to be done. I hope I can figure out wtf to do about Jorge. I know Sean will be like totally crushed to come home from France and see that me and Jorge are reconnecting. He said don’t forget about him. I don’t want his heart broken because then the whole group will be mad at me. But I can’t help it if I don’t like him and I’m so sick of being blamed for it. Like wtf am I supposed to do? Pretend like I like him? That’s so much worse and I can’t do it. Wow I’m tired I just need to go to bed but I don’t want to stop talking to Jorge. I love talking to him and I’ve really missed this. I know it. Oh fuck me Jorge wants to talk in person now I’m all nervous and anxious. Please don’t want to talk tomorrow I need a day of clearness. I’ll just tell him that I can’t tomorrow and that I have to babysit from 11-4 or something. If there was ever a day to go to the gym, it’s fucking tomorrow and I am going to just go ham on the elliptical. I wanna go for an hour and just get it all out and have a day to think and breathe and be by myself.

I feel like such a failure. I just want to stick with my diet and I can’t do it. I actually can’t do it. I’m so consumed with the thought that 1200 and below is like the magic number but it’s really not….I need to be eating at least 1400 calories a day and I’m not. If I did this and actually followed through with it then my body probably wouldn’t be going in starvation mode and I wouldn’t get these disgusting urges to binge. I hate myself after every binge, the feeling never changes. I just wish that I could stick with it. I binged pretty hard today but I’m not allowing myself to tomorrow. These binges always seem to result in binging for days but I’m not allowing myself to do it now. I need to get my shit in check seriously. I weigh 131 pounds and honestly I just want to weigh 125. I only have 6 pounds to lose which is small compared to losing just about 20 pounds before. My first goal is to just make it below 130. After that I’ll start making the move towards 125. I want to make a different approach though because before all I did was cardio but I really want to tone up a little now and look a little more firm. I have so much fat around my legs and hips that it just drives me crazy. I think I just look the best when I weighed 120 but to be totally honest I don’t think I could do that again. I’m having troubles sticking with this shit for longer than 3 days so I’m just taking baby steps. Maybe this summer I will be able to do that but we’ll see.

I still haven’t gotten my shit together. Its like no matter how bad I want to, I just cant get myself together and it’s driving me crazy. I usually only go like 2/3 days until I do a huge binge out and I can’t seem to get my cravings to stop. Its near impossible to just ignore them and wait it out; Honesly, it seems like nobody understands that. I feel like I’m totally alone in this and it sucks that I have no one to talk to so I can vent about it. This is such an embarrassing problem too. Jorge wont talk to me either which just about destroys me more than I can describe. All I want is to be friends with him again and be in our group again and hang out on the weekends like we did before and text him all day and night. I had the best conversations with him even when we talked about stupid, random stuff or about something completely boring. I still loved every second of it. The worst part about it I think is that since being away from him, I’ve realized I have stronger feelings for him than I originally thought. This is degrading and I don’t want to ever have to admit it’s true because it just makes me look like a bitch. I am not going to ask for him to take me back or anything crazy like that I’m just saying it’s making everything a lot harder. I hope Amber is right and that eventually he’ll miss me enough to talk to me again and just accept that we’ll only be friends but I dont think that’s going to happen. I know he’s too stubborn and I also know that, after giving me plenty of space, if I go to talk to him asking to be friends again, he’ll deny me. I deserve it but it still hurts. This whole situation sucks and not going to prom with him and listening to TIffanie instead of my heart is one of my biggest regrets ever. I will never forgive myself for being so stupid and messing up probably the best thing to happen to me in a long time. I know, I know “no regrets, only lessons learned” but this is definitely a regret. I cant help but have this feeling no guy is ever going to look at me or see me in the same way that Jorge does. I feel like Im never going to get another chance. It was a miracle that Jorge liked me as much as he did to begin with. UGH being a teenager is literally so annoying and stressful. I stress myself out a lot of the time but what am I supposed to do to fix that? Just not think what I think or feel what I feel? OK sounds good.

ANYWAY after much much MUCH fooling around with all different meal plans, I think I found the best one for me. It seems perfect but I’m going to have to hide it from kijoo because it involves me eating literally the same thing everyday which I’m okay with but I know she would be upset I’m making myself a completely different meal for dinner after she makes one for me/ buys one. It is very essential that I do this though. It really is. It means I get to have a decent sized dinner PLUS a snack after my run!! More eating=happy me. Here it is:

breakfast: Oatmeal with green tea 170

lunch: crackers 140, yogurt 80, carrots 35, and half a package of granola bars 90 *345

after school/snack: cereal 230

dinner: Cheese, spinach, LITTLE BIT of mayo sandwich with 1/2 c of corn and 1/2 cup of beans 450

snack: granola bars 190

Total: 1385

The total like that itself is totally fine. If I run, which I normally do, it would be 1185 which is good! If I really don’t want to or can’t then that’s perfectly fine too. 1385 still means I’m having a little deficit. I’m allowing myself a cheat day right now which is bad as hell but I have a good feeling this new diet plan will be good and work out really well. I can’t wait to try it out tomorrow! ALSO I need to set aside a day for me to eat more calories so that I can have a day to look forward to and just not restrict so much. I had it as Friday (obviously wont be doing it for this Friday anymore with 2 slip ups) so I guess I could keep it then. Friday’s meal plan can be:

breakfast: Oatmeal with green tea 170

lunch: same as above 345

snack: cereal 230 and granola bars/Fiber one bar 190/140 *420/370

dinner: same as above 445

snack: granola bar/Fiber one bar 190/140 and banana 100 *290/240

Total: 1670

I am so mad at myself. I can’t just stick with an eating plan for once ugh omg fuck me. I just want to lose this weight and I can’t seem to find the will power to do it!!!! I’m so scared I am going to keep gaining because that would honestly destroy me. I remember when I said I’d never let myself get beyond 130….yeah well I did. I just want to have the same determination I did before Christmas break. I don’t think I will though. I need to start waiting for dinner after school no matter what. I will eat a snack and deal with any hunger that comes after that until dinner god damn it. No more excuses. And of course my stepmom went to a bakery and bring home all of these goodies. I just ate almost a whole box of these sesame balls and I so wish I had not even started because I know how addictive they are. I am so mad an I am so unconfident with myself now that it just sucks ass. It sucks so bad and I need to get back in the swing of things. For some reason it’s so hard for me to stay on track for more than 2 days. I want to do the Miley Cyrus diet and eat right for 6 and then 1 day just eat whatever I want. Plus working out a bunch of course. God damnit I hate what I’ve gotten myself into. Everyone else doesn’t have to worry about gaining weight because everyone else isn’t a binge eater. Everyone else is staying exactly the same and it just isn’t fair. How did I get into this mess? I need some fucking motivation. Most of my problem is just eating too much not exercising too little. Well tomorrow is Friday so I can go to the gym tomorrow right after school and just try and burn as many calories as I can. I’m going to run tonight too so there will be 200 less I guess. I want to know how many calories are in those little balls but at the same time I dont because I’m willing to bet its a hell of a lot more than I originally presumed.

I actually hate myself. Last night was horrible. I binged so hard and then woke up at 1 am to binge a little more and then again just now. I hate myself so much. So so so so so so much. Wtf is wrong with me? This is why I can’t smoke a lot of weed because I get really bad munchies. I need to do something but I don’t know what to do. I’m going to ask if someone will drive me to the gym and then I will not leave until I have burned 1000 calories. That’s what I need to do to make this better. It won’t be even but it’ll be better. I’m so depressed this just ruined like my whole weekend. I hate myself for putting myself into these situations it’s so annoying. I’m so done with binging and I know i say that all the time and every time I mean it. I am so done. Fuck my life it seems like I am never going to get this fat off. I found so much fat on my legs last night that I need to burn off. I just want this weekend to be over so I can go to school and make myself be more on track. I probably weight 132 now and I’m not happy about that. I want to weigh 125 so bad it’s ridiculous. I want to weight 120 again even more and I think that if I can just get myself to 125 that that’ll be the push I need to go down even more. This is why people have GWs haha. So GW1 is 125 and UGW is 120. However if gaining some muscle prevents me from being 120 then just being within the 120s is good enough for me. I know I can do this because I’ve done it before but I also know its going to be a lot harder this time being of my binging problem. Whatever it takes. I want this more than anything as of right now.

So I just went 4 days of no binging and staying in my daily caloric intake (DCI) and I felt great about it too. I woke up early this morning (the 5th day) and went for a 30 minute run. Obviously the day started good but then got ugly really fast. I ate my whole DCI before noon and just had an awful horrible binge day. It’s good that I at least ran tho morning but it still sucks because I had gone so long without Binging or even the urge to. I know that I could’ve continued on and done a week without it but I didn’t. I’m so mad at myself and all my hard work is gone. I am so fat and I hate my stomach it is so much worse than it used to be. It used to be so much more bony. I want it back so bad. So so so bad. I’m not binging anymore and now that I know I can go longer than 3 days, I am not as anxiou about it. I am going to do well and since I know I will most likely drink Saturday, I will properly prepare for those calories as well. My stomach actually really hurts now and it sucks. I want a skinnier face and thighs more than anything else out of my body. Eva makes me feel like shit because she is just perfect and same with Carrie. I will get back to this body. I have probably about 2 months to transform my body before flora comes home. I want to be at my goal weight 125 by Easter. That’s like 6 pounds. I can do it.

Looking at yourself in the mirror is a much harder task than it should be. The first thing you look at is what you are most self conscious about ( my legs) and then you get a rush of disgust, embarrassment, and anger. I become so angry with myself for having no self control and for not sticking to my plan to lose weight. I wish I was 120. It pains me everyday that I had it and lost it so fast because I just don’t think I can go back to it. I looked at my shadow when I walked and was very happy with what I saw. I look at my reflection and was very happy with what I saw. I was happy and so confident at that weight. Now I am 132 and couldn’t hate myself for it more. I just want to lose this weight again but it is so so hard. It will take so long and it will be brutal. I don’t want to get a job because that’ll cut into my diet. I won’t have time to exercise everyday but I don’t do that anyways so why not get one now? I don’t know when to start applying for jobs because if I wait until May the jobs may all be gone. But I have Ap testing and I need to study for that stuff. I don’t know what to do I am so lost. I have such a huge battle going on in my head that I can’t seem to settle. Yes I’m dyin to go back down to my weight before but I can’t stick with my diet for more than 3 days. I need help with it but I’m not getting any so I don’t know what to do.

3 days strong! Now they have not been very good deficit wise but still I have not binged and not had really big cravings for it either. I am right now which tells me that tomorrow I will probably have some but I’m not going to give in. It’s just not worth it like it tastes good but that only lasts as long as I’m eating whereas the guilt and anger and frustration lasts forever. I am still upset with myself for all the times I have before. Just the fact that it tastes good or I’m hungry just isn’t a good enough reason. It just is not worth it. I find myself thinking well when CAN I binge then if not now or anytime soon? Honestly I don’t want to ever! Except for rare occasions. This transformation of myself is all about ending those planned binges and getting rid of the urges to randomly so I can stop this crazy addiction. It’s all about healthy eating and making myself stronger and leaner. I want to see how I would look if i kept up this eating and exercise for an entire month. I hope I don’t get any chocolate tomorrow even though I have a slight feeling that I’ll get some Kim of treat. I am going to eat it tomorrow unless I can help it. I LOVE chocolate so much. This diet has made me appreciate chocolate so much more. Thats why I can’t create all of these restrictions on myself because it’s only making me crave it more so when I get the chance to eat it, I go overboard. I just remembered I might have Reese’s in my trash can. I hope I’m wrong. I’m not going to look I refuse.

Did I binge today? Yes I did on candy and pie BUT I also burned 1000 calories at the gym today! I don’t blame myself for binging because I really didn’t eat enough today. Expecting myself to be able to have a net total of 500 was unfair to me and my body. Burning 1,000 calories at ice was not as hard as I thought it would’ve been. It wasnt easy but I could do it again. Only on the weekends though because it just takes so damn long. I kind of want to do it again tomorrow because I binged tonight and I want to retry my eating. I at least want to burn 800 tomorrow so I could do 35 on the treadmill and 40 on the elliptical. When I ran today I got a treadmill that was right in front of a mirror on accident. It actually wasn’t as painful to watch myself run a I thought. My legs didn’t look at gross as I assumed. I was a sweaty mess because I didn’t have a towel but still it wasn’t so bad. I might go there every time because at times I liked what I saw. However that was only with running because for some reason I hated how my legs looked when I walked. I don’t know why. Anyway, tomorrow I will burn 800 to take away most of this beige tonight which has made me uncomfortably full…I guess that’s almost a good thing. I don’t think I’ll eat breakfast before I go either just because I ate so damn much just now. See when I burn so much at the gym I don’t feel AS bad about my binge. I know its not going to make me gain weight I think total I’m at 1400 for today which I fine. Im not gaining any weight so that’s good news.

I’m actually upset that I’m never invited to hang out with tiff amber and Jorge. I’m just so bored and I like hanging out with them and I wish I was invited. I don’t understand why tiffanie doesn’t. And it makes me jealous that tiffanie and amber are becoming better friends than me and amber even though it’s my fault since I fucked up me and ambers friendship. I hope amber and I can become good friends again. I also KIND OF hope that eventually me and jorge make out. I want to be drunk though and same with him. At the same time I know tiffanie would be pissed and I have no intention of ever dating Jorge and I know us doing that would be so unfair to him. I don’t think it’s gonna happen its just something on my mind.

Anyway- plan for tomorrow:
Go to the gym and burn 800 calories
Come home and eat
Apple 80 
Cereal 230 
Cheese 50 
Banana 100 
Fiber one 140 
And then dinner 800
Total of 1400 exactly but minus 800 would bring us to a net of 600. If I can resist eating after that for the rest of the evening then that’s fantastic but if not then I’ll eat an extra banana and clementine. Okay! Good day, keeping positive thoughts, and moving forward. Can’t wait to go through with this tomorrow.