February 2012
6 posts
3 days strong! Now they have not been very good deficit wise but still I have not binged and not had really big cravings for it either. I am right now which tells me that tomorrow I will probably have some but I’m not going to give in. It’s just not worth it like it tastes good but that only lasts as long as I’m eating whereas the guilt and anger and frustration lasts forever. I...
Did I binge today? Yes I did on candy and pie BUT I also burned 1000 calories at the gym today! I don’t blame myself for binging because I really didn’t eat enough today. Expecting myself to be able to have a net total of 500 was unfair to me and my body. Burning 1,000 calories at ice was not as hard as I thought it would’ve been. It wasnt easy but I could do it again. Only on...
I say I’m going to stop binging. I say I’m going until March. I say I’m making a change in my life. I can’t fucking stop binging. It’s an addiction straight up. I need it I crave it and I just can’t get enough of it. And my binges are getting worse. I need more food over time to satisfy me. This sucks so bad and I am so fucking tired of it. I m tired of starting...
Starting tomorrow I am eating right and exercising everyday. Ian do sick of starting over i just want to be back down to the size I was before. It is so damn frustrating getting myself back on track and is taking a lot longer than I thought it would. Sick of starting over so I’m going to stop giving up. On days where I’m just really hungry I will eat a little more but not to the point...
I’m legit going to go as long as I can without binging. My goal is a week which shouldn’t be as hard as it is. I’m going to do it bough I am so sick of this bingig it doesn’t satisfy me at all
I always go on these tangents of 3 days bingig and 3 days straight. Like I honestly can’t describe how frustrating it is that I can’t eat normally. What the ruckus wrong with me? Like I’ve just been getting worse and now I can’t go one day of bingig without Doing a follow up the next and repeating it. It’s addictive I swear it is and it’s just not worth it. I...
January 2012
10 posts
I have had actually a very good week. I have worked out and eaten right for 3 days now and it feels great to have gone 3 days without binging. I feel so much better about myself. I do not feel the same way I would though when I weighed 123 because I just don’t look that way anymore. I can see a huge difference in my body even if other people can’t. It is honesty so frustrating and I...
Every time I look in the mirrors at school all I see is fat an ugly. Like I honestly just have the worst and lowest self esteem ever and I hate it. It makes me hate myself more for losing so much motivation and gaining like 6 pounds. You can definitely tell. I hate my body I need to lose this weight now. I’m going to the gym today for sure I just hate my legs. That’s my biggest...
If I don’t exercise for ONE day, I will binge. I will. I can’t help it. Going to the gym keeps me from binging like a fool. It sucks. Now I have start all over again tomorrow ughhh but that’s okay like I don’t mind going to the gym and running my ass off and using the elliptical but I hate not losing any fuggin weight. I have the house to myself Saturday though so...
I’m honestly so proud of myself. I’ve been saying in my eating range for a long time. I mean I allowed myself to eat a ton on Monday but it’s okay. I’m not going to over eat tomorrow either I am determined as fuck! Lol I may go on a run but probably not. I think I’ll use tmrw as a rest day. I’ll get home around 12:30 and I’ll do my usual fiber one bar...
These past few days haven’t been too bad. I let myself slip up yesterday as a kind of reward as I have decided that I will do once a week. This week it’ll be 2 but that’s okay. I know that it’s goo to happen especially if I’m eating 1200 calories a day so I’m accepting it now. However I will not allow 2 slip up days in a row. I realize that the last I say fuck...
I am 130 lbs. I remember when I told myself I would never get to this weight again. I binged today again which means everyday this week I have binged. I can’t stop. I want to do bad though. I’m going to practice tomorrow and doing what I can not to binge and then I’m working out in my own Friday. I’m getting the lifetime membership within the me t couple days so that means...
I hate myself. I’m burning 1000 calories tomorrow and eating well all week. Fuck this.
I saw Eva today and I am really glad I did. She looked amazing. She is toned and so skinny but most important HEALTHY!!! She really is fitspiration for me and I want nothing but to look like her. I am getting my shit in check and doing everything I can to lose weight back down to 120. I can do it and I will. Just work hard and eat right and in small portions. My lunch today was great because it...
I hate myself. 128 pounds. Pathetic and disgusting. I need to get my life back on track but it’s so hard! I’m going to though. Starting tomorrow.
2012
My first day of 2012 was horrible. I merged into another car and cried about it all day. I then proceeded to binge like a pathetic bitch. But I am going to look at it from a better stand point because I can’t stand being miserable anymore. I am now a vegetarian and it was no problem saying no to meat today. I really don’t think that this will be a problem. And regarding my binge today,...
December 2011
19 posts
Just weighed myself on the scale…and it’s the morning too so this is an accurate weight of me. I weight 127 pounds which is quite the wakeup call. This means I have gained 3 solid pounds since Winter break began. Not good! I just need to relax and ease myself back into my normal rhythm of eating a certain number of calories a day and exercising at least 5 days a week which will be...
I am always so sad after I hang out with flo. I love being with her she is truly my best friend. I thought I was going to the light show with them but I guess I was wrong so now I’m all embarrassed. There is still a small piece of me that still thinks she’s going to call me and pick me up because I heard her say that they wanted to get something to eat before they left. A larger...
Post Christmas
So I have lots to say but I want to try and say it in as short a post as possible. This will still be a very long post ha ha! Anyway, I’ve eaten a lot these past few days because of Christmas and having just a ton of food shoved at me and in my face and I’ve gained about 3 pounds. My goal for the next month or so is to lose it again but I don’t think that’s going to happen...
Pretty good
Today, I had some really bad cravings to binge and have just been pretty hungry all day. I’ve had days like this before and after a while they are going to be really difficult to deal with. That’s when I resort to the binging. Before I said I was going to make 1500 calories my goal for everyday since I am working out, but I have not been very faithful to that goal. I have been eating...
New thinking
I know that a lot of my binge eating episodes are from my mind. The other part would be the actual binging itself. I feel like I just need a new way of looking at hunger and dieting. I’m not on a diet, I’m just replacing shit food with good and wholesome foods to keep my body CLEAN. When I’m hungry, I just need to breathe, relax, and just say I’m hungry. I dont need to...
Day Thirty- 10 facts about you! And now, what are...
Wow! 30 days of pain and sadness and happiness and rewards and binges and everything in between! It’s been rough, but the journey is SO far from over. I’m ready to take this on some more.
10 facts about me….hmm. 1. I love chocolate 2. I don’t like going to parties or “throwing down” and I’d MUCH rather chill at home with a movie or just stay up talking or...
I know that my stats have not changed during this 30 day challenge, I didn’t expect them to and I’m not really upset about it. Just getting that out of the way.
I have a goal. I’m going to eat 1400 calories at least everyday this week (but not more than 1600) and NOT TO BINGE. This is still so hard for me to do and I know now it’s because I’ve accidentally put my...
Day Twenty-Nine- Your definition of beauty.
This is a really difficult question for me to answer simply because I really am not sure. I know I’m supposed to say that it’s whatever you want it to be and that everyone is beautiful in their own diffrent way but I don’t think I really think that. I think beauty is being fit. If you are fit, but not TOO fit meaning you are completely jacked up, then you are beautiful. A thin...
Day Twenty-Eight- Do you want that “gap” between...
This is the thing with my legs. I do already have that “gap” between my legs but my legs still aren’t like really skinny. A gap doesn’t mean anything. My legs are like normal sized I guess but they don’t like get skinnier down by the knee like most legs do and I HATE IT. They are just like thick all the way down and some people call it proportional but I call it ugly...
Day Twenty-Seven- How do you deal with being...
I don’t deal very well. I get super anxious around food and I have a really hard time saying no to it. Like, I am completely serious and I know people say this all the time but I can’t stress the fact that I’m dead serious enough. I have an addiction to food, I swear I do. When I’m around a lot of other people it’s easier though because my want to not look fat in...
Jessusayudjf
Took a good look at myself in the mirror today. Definitely not done losing weight. I have had multiple smaller binges for about a week now (maybe longer) and today I just went all out and I’m not even going to try to count the calories. Frankly, it’s better left unknown. I thought that I wanted to stay at this body but I change my fucking mind. My legs will NEVER look good will they??...
Day Twenty-Six- What excites you most about...
The feeling of accomplishment! The feeling of being happy with myself and feeling confident with my body (for the most part). My new UGW is just to stay between 120-125 because I am planning on really adding muscle to my arms and hopefully abdomen. If I can just stay there in that range I will be perfectly happy. It’s just so crazy because just a few months ago I thought I would NEVER get...
12/6
I’m still eating a lot and even though I am also exercising and not gaining weight, I’m afraid I’m going to start eventually. I am so scared of gaining weight it’s like one of my top priorities to prevent. On a good note, I got the letter from Flora today and it was half a thank you letter and 1 sentence of mushy-ness so I was happy. She is the sweetest person and I truly...
:)
So Flo told me the other day that she has a letter for me and she asked for my address for her to mail it to me. I don’t think she’s mailed it yet but I hope she does soon because I’m dying to read it! I’m curious as to what it says! My mind knows it’s just a thank you letter for sending cookies for her birthday but my heart is hoping that it’s something better....
Day Twenty-Five- Have you ever purged? If you have...
No I have never purged before. I would be lying if I also said I never have tried. I have tried a few times when I was in true desperation and sometimes I still wish I had. For some reason, I just dont know how to get myself to purge…I would try over and over and nothing would work. I know it’s a good thing it didn’t work but I think my weird ass eating disorder is telling me I...
Uhh
So I’ve been eating a lot lately and I’ve been feeling okay about it too which is good! But I’m also starting to really get frusterated with myself because I know I’m eventually going to gain weight. I weighed in at around 124 pounds today which is fine and I’d love if I could just stay at this weight (or lose, whichever is good). However, if I keep this up I am not...
Day Twenty-Four- How do you feel about the terms...
When I first started trying to lose weight, I became so desperate to lose it nownownow that I tried being anorexic. That lasted about a week before I just couldn’t take it anymore. I have tried purging before like a bulimic but I can’t do it, I don’t know why. NOW I see that people who are pro-mia or pro-ana are out of their damn minds. I will never revert back to those ways to...
Day Twenty-Three- Did the media play a role in...
No, I don’t believe it did. I wanted to lose weight because I just didn’t like the way I looked. It’s very possible that subconsiously it was because of the media but I have never thought of models or actresses or anyone big in the media as a thinsperation kind of deal. The most influence to lose weight was from the people living around me in my area.
Day Twenty-Two- What was your lowest weight? How...
My lowest weight was about 120 pounds I think..? Probably more like 122 or something, but I gained some back because I was just sick of dieting and restricting myself so I went a little crazy over the Thanksgiving holidays and gained a good 3 solid pounds back. I’m currently in the process of losing it back. I have previously said that my goal weight is 117/118 but I have found that is the...
Day Twenty-One- What are your clothing sizes?
My clothing sizes are dominantly size Medium for pants and bottoms and either a Small or Medium for tops. Since my weight loss, I’ve been a small more often though which is magnificent. :) My bra size is a 34C which I’m actually pretty happy with contrary to popular belief. I used to absolutely hate having boobs and I thought a B cup was HUGE. I used to want to be flat chested so badly...
November 2011
46 posts
Day Twenty- Favorite diet?
I have never used any set diets like South Beach or Weight Watchers. I have not even done a low-carb one or low-sugar. I just do what I like and keep it low-cal as often as possible. I like being able to eat whatever I chose to and not having some program tell me what to do. I do my own research for what foods to eat and do all of my own workouts etc. Not that there is ANYTHING wrong with weight...
Day Nineteen: When was the last time you ate fast...
I don’t even know. It was probably over the summer sometime with my sister. I avoid it at all costs. Fast food is suprisingly not a temptation for me it’s everything else!
Thanksgiving break
I hate me and my fat fucking self I am so disgusting I’ve gained 3 pounds and I can totally see it I am so fucking fat fat fat fat fat and ugly it’s going to take me forever to get back down to where I was I had made SO much progress and I fucked it all up completely. There is no way I can look good again by Friday so that Flo can see and notice that I’ve lost weight. So not...
Day Eighteen: What food is your weakness?
Definitely peanut butter. I love it so much. However any kind of candy or sweet like cookies is too just because I have an enormous sweet tooth. These foods are only slightly ahead of all food in general though because, honestly, I love it all and would eat just about anything!
Day Seventeen- Do you have an eating disorder?
I belive I do have an eating disorder. However, it’s not the common ones people first think of like anorexia or bulimia. I think I have binge eating disorder which is where you have uncontrollable binging episodes usually by yourself. I am of a healthy weight, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. The weird thing is that I never used to binge all crazy like this until this...
Day Sixteen- When did you first decide to lose...
Well, like most girls in America, I have thought I was fat from the beginning of puberty to now but it wasn’t until around spring of this year (2011) that I decided to make the commitment. Especially that the end of the year I became increasingly aware of my body and all of the flaws that I could not deal with. I don’t think I will ever stop trying to lose weight. It’s a moving...
Day Fifteen- Are you vegan or vegetarian? If so,...
I am not currently vegan or vegetarian, but I have considered becoming vegetarian. In fact, I hope to do it as my New Years resolution for 2012! I think it probably will not help me lose any more weight because everything I want and crave doesn’t include meat and I don’t eat a lot of meat anyway. I would only do it for the sake of the animals.
Day fourteen- What’s your UGW? When you expect to...
My UGW is to be less than 120 pounds. It would be great to be 117, but I don’t think that will happen. I think that I will reach 120 sometime in perhaps March? Like the end of it? This is because it is the holiday season and I don’t want to deprive myself of all of the delicious food and sweets (chocolate mostly) and I know for a fact I will be gaining some weight so that’s going...
11/22/11
A bit over. Woops.
Day Thirteen- Are you losing weight in a healthy...
For the most part, I am doing this the healthy way. The un-healthy part would be my occasional binging episodes. I won’t lie though, I have tried doing it in an un-healthy way, but I’ve learned my lesson and I know so much more now. I know what to eat and what not to eat and I know proper calorie intake and all that good stuff. I also happen to know that you are way more likely to keep...
11/21/11
Today I stayed totally on task! I’m just way too lazy to type it all out but my total calories was probably around 1000 which is good.
Day Twelve- What do you normally eat?
I normally eat turkey sandwiches, cucumbers, grapes, honey wheat bread (although i MUCH prefer whole wheat, but my dumbass stepmom doesn’t listen), low fat yogurt, and granola bars. I eat whatever is for dinner that night since I have no control but it’s usually pasta or maybe fish or pizza. It’s not always very healthy, but it’s not that bad I don’t think either....
Day Eleven- Your favorite thinspo blog and why!
It’s a blog called beauty-fit. The girl who runs the blog is amazing and real and is so easy to talk to. I’ve vented to her before and I don’t even know who she is and she really made me feel better. I even saved her reply! She has great posts and has an overall awesome blog that helps me keep on track better than any other blog.
11/19/11
Ruined. Period. Don’t want to talk about it. Bye.