I say I’m going to stop binging. I say I’m going until March. I say I’m making a change in my life. I can’t fucking stop binging. It’s an addiction straight up. I need it I crave it and I just can’t get enough of it. And my binges are getting worse. I need more food over time to satisfy me. This sucks so bad and I am so fucking tired of it. I m tired of starting over on this diet just to disappoint myself and binge 2 days later even though I promised myself I wouldn’t. Tomorrow I’m just not going to eat very much and I’m going to burn so many calories at the gym. I’ve always wanted to burn 1,000 calories in one day at the gym. I think I can if I run for 35 minutes because that always gets me to 405 and then if I use the elliptical for an hour then I’ll get to 595 I think. It’s gonna be hard and take a ton of will power but it’s so gonna be worth it. I will feel such a huge sense of accomplishment. And then I’m eating like 1500 calories tomorrow so that balance to a net of 500 which is what I need just for tomorrow because I binged tonight. Like when I binge I just get in this zone where I don’t pay attention to anything else. All I can focus on is the food and good it feels to eat. It’s not about the flavor of the food for me, I don’t even really taste it I just love the feeling of finally eating. After restricting myself for a couple days it gets really hard to say no to food of any kind. I just want this to end ad I want to open up to someone about this so bad but I don’t know how I’m supposed to do that. Like this kind of shit doesn’t just pop up in a conversation. After I binge though I don’t get this overwhelming feeling of trying to get it out by puking I get this insanely anxious feeling that I need to go work it off and I want to go on a run and that’s just what I’ll do but it always has to be the next morning. You cant just up and go to the gym at midnight. I’m so jealous of everyone who doesn’t worry about this kind of stuff it’s crazy. I’m legit so into over exercising I plan it a day ahead exactly what I’m going to do and how long I’m going to do it. I’m sick and i need help. It’s a shame that I won’t be getting any. Fuck my life. I want someone to worry about me but not my family. I want people at school to worry about me and flora and Eva and Jorge and tiffanie to worry too. It pathetic but it’s the truth. It’s what I really feel and I’m not going to ever get this attention unless I lie to flora about going to a therapist for ED but that’s a little too risky. She’d never find out I was lying though….whatever I’m not going to.
